I made it through the semester
guys! How exciting is that???
I
wanted to touch a little bit on what we talked about in class this week, and
then give you guys a summary of what I think are the most important things I have
learned this semester that I hope you guys can take with you. I hope you have
learned something by going on this twelve-week adventure with me!!!
This
week we talked about divorce. This one was a tough subject to talk about, just
because it effects so much of us, and a lot of people feel the pain from it years
down the road. I think that it is important to remember that there are cases
when divorce is necessary, but I would like to rebuttal with a statistic that
over 70% of people after two years after divorce believe that if they had stuck it
out, they would have come out on the other side much happier.
On
the topic of addressing situations where it is in fact necessary for a divorce
to happen, as sad as it may be, everyone can some out on the other side a little
more at peace. It is crucial to remember, however, that you need to keep in
mind EVERYONE. Everyone feels the effects of a divorce, not just the two people
who are divorcing each other. I’m not saying that you need to suffer through a
crappy marriage just for the kids, if you really can’t work things out with
your spouse, that’s okay. There are outcomes where everyone is happier, though
struggles will still present themselves, and the pain can and will be felt.
I believe
this has a lot to do with looking ahead to the future. Not futuristic thinking,
but truly, planning, and thinking ahead about what you want your life to be
like. If there are things going on now that could be of true detriment to you,
or your children, then I believe that it is time to consider divorcing. But if
you can’t see past the heat of the moment, then I believe it’s time for you to tell
your spouse you love them, and you want to work through what’s going on. I’m
not going to give scenarios; this is something you have to decide for yourself.
Divorce
is one of the hardest things people will have to go through, and it gets harder
as time goes on, people get older, and hard feelings are not let go. Just because
you are no longer married to a person does not mean that it is right, or okay
for you to hate them. Heavenly Father has asked us to “. . . love thy neighbor
as thyself” (St. Matthew 22:39). No things are not fair. No things did not go
the way you were wanting or hoping they would. But that’s okay. Heavenly Father
has asked us to love each other and forgive one another. If we do this, we will
be truly blessed, and I know that fact with all of my heart.
That
being said, I would like to leave with three things that I have found to be the
most important to me through this semester with a brief description of it.
1. Counseling
Together
So many families have different ways of doing things,
and everyone thinks that they are right. I never knew what model to follow
because I wasn’t sure what to look for because of my parents’ poor example. I
loved talking about and identifying different counsel methods and how the
effect the family system one way or another. Compromise being that you fight to
get the most you absolutely can out of it without giving up what you want, but
both of you end up unhappy. The “I’ll decide this time and you’ll decide next
time” method can cause inconsistency, and blame can occur if a situation takes
a turn for the worst. Deferment has a positive aspect of really caring about
what the other person has to say and what they want to do, but then nothing
gets done. This also can create friction and frustration as well as interfering
with the husband’s job of presiding over the family. The divide and conquer
method sounds really great, but when there’s one person who “specializes” in
something then there will the those who are left in the dark and trust can be
broken this way. There will not be a time that a general consensus will be
reached that will be overall beneficial. The 50/50 model DOES NOT exist and for
those that try it often find that it does not work very well. We finally get to
the Council Method. This gives everyone the chance to talk in a safe
environment where everyone has put aside their own desires and is focused on
the overall benefit of the family. Heavenly Father and His will is the focus in
this method, and prayer is an active tool used in this method to reach a
conclusion that is everyone feels is the will of the Father.
2. Unspoken
Communication
Communication is by far one of the most valuable
things I have learned in this class. I’ve always known that communication goes
beyond spoken words between two people, I just have never understood how much
unspoken communication affects others. There are so many forms of communication
nowadays that it is so difficult to get a one on one interaction with people.
And because of the new forms of communications, we find ourselves involved in
more misunderstandings than I think we would ever be able to imagine had we
just gone to the measures to have the conversation face to face. The statistics
that were shown in class (words 14% tone 35% non-verbal 51%) show that without
face to face communication, it is so easy to get mixed up and to face serious
misunderstanding based on misinterpretations of a text, email, or any other
form of social media. In marriage, this can be a huge issue, and can lead to
detriment. As President Hinckley said, “When it comes to marriage, we need to
communicate so clearly not only that we can be understood, but so that we are
not misunderstood.” Our body language can say so much more than we can, and it
is so important that we always show love and understanding through it.
3. Marital
satisfaction
I loved how deeply we dove into marital satisfaction.
There are so many ways that marital satisfaction can go but depending on how we
handle to situation is how much to satisfaction can go up or down. One of the
more popular models that are seen is the model where marital satisfaction goes
down with each child, and then slowly rises as each child moves out until the
couple reaches the “empty nest”. There is, however, an alternative model to
reach for that involves marital satisfaction increasing with each child. Done
correctly, children can improve a marriage. This can be done by involving the
husband in everything that goes on, from inception of the child all through the
child’s life. Unfortunately, we see a separation between parents when children
are born when mom focuses more on the children, and dad focuses more on work.
However, when both parents are focused on creating a family together, and
creating better marital satisfaction, they will be able to find a way.
Well
guys! I hope I was able to share something insightful with you all, and I hope
that you enjoyed this last semester as much as I did. I loved this class, I
loved learning what I have, and I hope to carry and remember this information
for the rest of my life.
Ciao!
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