Family Systems

What is a system? It is different parts working together to create something. We are surrounded by systems in our world that we deal with every day. Our cellphones and computers are systems. They’re composed a bunch of little electrical parts that not a lot of us understand, but we understand that when we hit a key, or click on an app, we get a certain outcome. Our bodies are systems, when we breathe in, oxygen fills our lungs, and gets carried through our blood to organs so they can do their proper functions. Much in the same, a family is a system. When all parts of the family system are working together there is an outcome of a functioning unit. Don’t mistake me when I say functioning to mean perfect. No system is perfect, but each works, and in our family systems, we can truly achieve happiness even though it is not perfect.

Please throughout this article, remember NO FAMILY IS PERFECT. Understand that when you are taking two people from often extremely different backgrounds, it is not natural for these two people to come to the same conclusion. That is where we get the thinking that people are plain jerks. But if we took the time to understand that people are inherently different, we would not believe that people are jerks. Everyone comes from different places in life, from systems that worked for them, but may not work for you. That is when you get the awesome opportunity to create a new system.

With all of this talk of systems and differences you may be thinking, okay that’s awesome, but what is considered a system? An example of a system is, if your family has experienced several generations of divorce, remember that statistically, children that have experienced having divorced parents are more likely to get divorced. So, a recurring system that one could be experiencing in their family is a divorce between parents, and a child stepping forward to fill important roles that normally both parents would fulfill. As an example, the eldest child stepping forward to fill the other parent’s role, while another would be filling the role of a peace keeper to keep tensions low. This is just one of many examples of different kinds of systems found within families. If you see systems you do not like in your family, like this one, you are on track to stopping that system and changing it for the better.

So now that we have a feel for systems, and what they look like, I would like to stress the importance of protecting this system. It is so important to have a boundary system within the family, as well as surrounding the family. As an example, for a boundary within the family, husband and wife need to keep things between each other. This is an extremely important boundary to keep so we do not create riffs between each other. When confidences are lost between spouses, it is so incredibly hard to get it back. Children do not need to know everything that happens with mom and dad. This protects relationships between husband and wife, and children with siblings. As far as a boundary surrounding the family, we need to protect our family from the harms of the outside world to keep it stable within the home. Rules, though sometimes they suck, create a boundary that will keep everyone within the family safe.

Another way of protecting this system, is learning how to deal with strain as a unit. Strain can come from many different sources such as work, school, and sometimes can even originate in the home. Learning how to deal with strain so important because this is when tensions can rise, arguments can begin, and walls will start being put up. Each and everyone in a family unit feels strain and it is so easy to bring it home and take it out on the ones we love. When we don’t let the people we love the most help with strain, it can cause trust issues, and miscommunication that could very easily be avoided if you let those you love in. This is quite possibly one of the hardest things to do, because we don’t want to get hurt. But I encourage you, open up. Let the people who love you help you. Don’t take on this world alone. That’s why we have our family, so we don’t have to.

Each and everyone of us can find dysfunctional systems within our family, but I can promise you that you can find happiness in your family by truly loving and serving your family members, and when you go on to have your own family, you can work on changing the systems you don’t like. The family is a wonderful thing. Not a single one is perfect, but each is wonderful and beautiful, and will always, always need hard work.